1999年4月，印度的钢铁部（Ministry for Steel）向行政改革部递交了一份正式的询问书。这个用了几乎一年的时间去解决、花费了印度一些最高级官员宝贵精力的严重问题，就是印度的公务员是否有权使用绿色以及红色水笔，因为在通常情况下批注文件用的是蓝色或黑色水笔。 经历了几周的会议、磋商、做了备忘录以后，舒里部门的官员得出结论，认为这个问题只能由印刷局解决。又经历了三周颇有深度的讨论后，印刷局将文件返还行政改革部，并且建议说这个问题应该咨询培训与人事部（Ministry for Training and Personnel）。在这份文件送到该部门之前，又经历了三周的时间，因为勤勉的行政改革部官员需要花时间去考虑印刷局专业而委婉的措辞。于是这个ZF的问题历经曲折，经历了几周又几月，从一个部门传到另一个部门，开了一次又一次讨论会，最终得出了一个所罗门式的折衷结论：“初稿起草时要用蓝色或黑色水笔。以后的修改过程用绿色或红色水笔，以区分最终的正确版本。”同时还规定了具体的等级制度：“只有联合秘书级别以上的官员才有资格在少数情况下（适时的宣布警告）使用绿色或红色水笔。 作者: 五藤高庆 时间: 2013-4-29 18:53 标题: 雄厚的师资力量
To the citizens of the United States of America, in thelight of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus togovern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of yourindependence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchicalduties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, forthe 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outsideyour borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for furtherelections.
The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determinewhether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British CrownDependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford EnglishDictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide.You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on yourpart. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half theletters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix"ise."
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if youcan't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptablelevels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven wordsinterspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and"you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed."
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. Ifyou're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chatshows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to usebad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will letMicrosoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted totake account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of"-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australianaccents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents--- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcastwith subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there isno such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is"Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American Stateswill become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast Englishactors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors toplay English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or"Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washyAmerican audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional politicalincorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Manshould never be remade.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "GodSave The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would notwant you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." Thereare other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football.However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the bestknown, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American"football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outsideyour borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American"football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead playproper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It isa difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to playrugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involvestopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armourlike nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by2008.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to hostan event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside ofNorth America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyondyour borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will beallowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseballwithout fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You willno longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than avegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handlepotentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry avegetable peeler in public.
8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd ofNovember will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called"Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it isfor your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what wemean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. Youwill start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, youwill go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversiontables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British senseof humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgianthough 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe)are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on callingpotato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cutand fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer whichshould be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will beadded to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantityto be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling"beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1stonly proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," andEuropean brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as"Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer"will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," withthe exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product willbe referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allowtrue Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic)to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or"gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1stof April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to thoseof the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices(roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without usingguns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers andtherapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns shouldonly be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things outwithout suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown upenough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be withyou shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
"North Americans tell you typically it's all luck. 'I'm born talented in mathematics, or I'm born less talented so I'll study something else.'
"In Europe, it's all about social heritage: 'My father was a plumber so I'm going to be a plumber'.
"In China, more than nine out of 10 children tell you: 'It depends on the effort I invest and I can succeed if I study hard.' 作者: 五藤高庆 时间: 2013-4-29 19:31 标题: 小丑抗议
